Deconstructing a mental moat
Recently I published a post about how I wanted to write stuff I feel about. However, since then I've struggled to actually sit down to write, thinking any idea I come up with is not good enough. I told myself that I wasn't digging deep enough. But of course, you can never satisfy that inner critic, so an endless spiral of self-rejection ensued.
It took me a while to realize that by stating these goals I had constructed a moat for myself. It makes me feel safe, validated, justified, but at the same time it prevents me from going out there and smelling the flowers.
It may be that these goals are the destination towards which I want to travel, but holding myself accountable to those standards since the beginning is futile. I want freedom, and it shouldn't be traded for safety, comfort, nor structure.
This is all I wanted to say in this post. It's more a justification to myself. I guess it's part of the learning process.
The takeaway: don't aim to high, especially when you don't know where the sky is.
Going forwards I'll try to be more sensible and allow myself to write about random stuff.
I mentioned in another recent post about a new concept for me, the idea of wordvomit, which has lately been going around in my mind. I think perhaps the correct path is to adapt that idea by not forcing myself to write about topics I have feelings about, and instead to flip this perverse idea on its head and learn to dig up my feelings when writing about any topic.
I said I wasn't going to write about mundane stuff, but that's not correct. I have the feeling that with enough skill and acceptance any topic can become sacred, a true reflection of a facet within yourself.
Take care,