The flower doesn’t go from bud to blossom in one spritely burst
As much as I would like to take credit for the title of this post, I can't. It's a phrase from the front page of The Marginalian. The quote itself is:
“Expect anything worthwhile to take a long time.” This is borrowed from the wise and wonderful Debbie Millman, for it’s hard to better capture something so fundamental yet so impatiently overlooked in our culture of immediacy. The myth of the overnight success is just that — a myth — as well as a reminder that our present definition of success needs serious retuning. The flower doesn’t go from bud to blossom in one spritely burst and yet, as a culture, we’re disinterested in the tedium of the blossoming. But that’s where all the real magic unfolds in the making of one’s character and destiny.
I find this to be really on-point. While the quote itself applies mainly to the process of becoming something/someone I think this actually permeates the whole sphere of our mental experience.
Everything in our lives tends to immediacy. You want ice to cool down your drink? You got it. You want hot water to bathe? You got it. You want to feel better by looking at cat videos? You got it. I imagine this is an effect of how businesses evolve: the one that satisfies a need with the least amount of hassle is the one that wins. Nature (and by extension also our minds) prefer the path of least resistance.
But what does this do to our psyche? In bygone ages if we wanted to be entertained we had to make some effort to get it. For example, compare a game of tag versus watching Instagram on your phone. One will give you an easy dopamine hit without much effort on your side, while the other requires you to put in the work to actually play a game. Are we, without realizing it, teaching ourselves that happiness is to be found in low-hanging fruits, and that (taken to the extreme) is better to avoid having to work for it?
I remember when I was a kid I would spend hours outside, looking at plants, insects, and was constantly amazed by the awesomeness that is our earth. Now that I'm older though my entertainment mainly revolves around reading books, watching videos, and video-games. I find that when I try to enjoy something that takes a bit more effort on my part (e.g. playing chess) I feel easily frustrated and there is this thought in the back of my mind "why does it have to be so hard?".
It's complicate though. Even if you decide to drop all your "easy entertainment" then you'll still have to deal with the other people in your life that continue consuming it. A very poignant example that comes to mind, and I imagine most of us have experienced at some point, is being with a group of friends at a table and suddenly realizing that everyone is on their phone. We don't do this out of malice of course, and it's also not because we think our friends are boring. We do it because our mind wants to be entertained, we want that dopamine stream to keep flowing. It takes less effort to take out our phones than to participate and maintain an engaging conversation. Again, nature favors the path of least resistance.
The act in itself is not evil and I don't think anyone should feel bad if they want to look at their phone instead of doing other stuff. Sometimes it's an easy way to wind down. But we should be mindful not to overdo it. If we do, then we're solidifying those mental pathways, we're getting ourselves used to living in a stream of dopamine. And guess what - once that stream is interrupted for any reason we'll feel sad, unsatisfied, or even mad with the reason for the interruption.
Of course cellphones, Instagram, etc, are the extreme case. We can compare them with watching TV, which is also an easy way to entertain ourselves. By definition TV requires 0-effort on your part (besides remaining awake). But I think there is an important difference when compared to cellphones, and that is that TV is not usually easily accessible, it's usually a compartmentalized activity to which you dedicate a specific amount of time and happens in a specific location. You don't frequently see someone whip up their iPad while waiting in line at the grocery store and start watching their favorite series. But it's almost everyone that takes out their phone. The reason? Well I think it's because TV requires much more time than watching a reel, and as such it is not a convenient quick fix. Again, we also shouldn't overdo TV, because if not we would find ourselves at square one.
I recently wrote a blog post about how I feel bad whenever I'm not doing something. Reflecting on it a bit more, I think this negative feeling is not just related to feeling bad for not being producing, but it's also feeling dirty because I'm not feeling happy (which is a circular argument if I've ever heard one). It's like I have this pressure on me saying that if I'm not constantly feeling good (ie, in the dopamine stream) then there's something wrong.
So is there any solution? I don't know. I'm also inside this hole, but I'm trying to get out of it. But I do have two suggestions that have worked for me.
First, be mindful of whenever you get the urge to take out your phone. The important part is to notice it and make a conscious decision of whether that's what you want or now, don't let it be your default.
Second, make art! Creating stuff is pretty much the opposite of easy entertainment, it requires effort and it's an excellent tool to get to know yourself. Writing is an example, but any creative endeavor fits the bill, after all, all art requires care and dedication and lays bare you heart for all to see.