Shame in Writing
I haven't told my family (or friends) that I have a blog. I don't know why. The emotion I feel towards the idea of sharing this with them is shame. And that's just telling them of the act. Actually having them read it is positively terrifying. I've had this feeling for a while now actually, that writing is something to be done in the dark, when no one is seeing.
Looking deeper I think it's because I'm afraid of them reading my stuff and then realizing I'm no good, and making fun of me in some way. I feel this most especially with my wife (which is weird since she, and everyone else close to me, has been nothing but supportive with whatever it is I want to do), but it's still present, to a lesser extent, with everyone else I can think of. Even with internet stranger — although you are at the end of the spectrum. Still, that's probably the reason why I haven't shared any stories online.
In my early twenties I got into meditating quite a bit, and was a fan of Buddhist literature. I was — and still am — impressed by their whole view of the mind. Growing up a Christian (who later became an atheist) it was a whole revelation, a new way of thinking about good and bad, about happiness and sadness.
Anyway, I'm digressing. What I wanted to talk about is that at this point — I must have been around 21 or so — I felt ashamed of people (and again, especially my wife) seeing me meditate. I would even go to such extents such as locking myself in the room before sitting on the cushion. I can only wonder what it was she thought I was doing.
It always struck me as interesting. Nowadays I still meditate (less than I would like) but no longer feel any shame about it. Although there was a moment when I had to go through the transition. I would work up my courage to tell her I'm going to meditate and she would just say go for it or some such. I don't think she ever realized that it was a big deal for me to deal with the uncomfortable-ness of having her in the room with me. Our minds can be quirky sometimes.
Maybe I should take the same approach with writing and just bite the bullet as they say. Although I don't think I'm strong enough. At least not yet.
~ Take care