On the woes of holiday small talk
Happy holidays! I thought I wasn't going to get much time to write today, considering all the family meetups and whatnot. But my son is having a nap right now and I stayed with him in the car while my wife went and helped with the preparations. I think she knew I needed some time to prepare to go through the coming afternoon.
I've been giving some though about why sometimes I feel like I'm inferior to others in some way. And I think this feeling acts on different levels.
For example, I have pretty good confidence in myself as a programmer, and even feel comfortable talking to others about this topic. Supposing the conversation revolves around technology, and that I don't need to insert myself in that conversation to begin with, I know I can participate at great lengths with little to no discomfort.
Ah, but if we're talking about smalltalk then we're in problems. Smalltalk, the bane of my existence. It's somewhat ironic though. If there's someone I don't know then I have no problems talking to them for a moderate amount of time. But if I do know them then I start worrying that maybe they're not interested in what I have to say. This is even more noticeable if the person in question is a family member I rarely see, and worse still if it's someone from my wife's side of the family.
In very extreme cases I find myself changing how I talk so as to try and please that person. This makes me go through great lengths to try and discern what that person wants to hear, what they want to talk about, and (most importantly) the reactions they have to what I'm saying. This becomes very taxing over time, and not enjoyable at all. I feel absolutely drained when this happens for an extended period, and end up feeling like I'm socially inept and hopeless, with my self-esteem on the floor.
For all the effort I put into being authentic on here (which I have to say I've been able to do with a modicum of success), what comes out of my mouth when I speak is anything but. This only exacerbates the problem when I imagine how others might be noticing this as we talk.
Even when exchanging emails with someone (which you might have noticed if we've chatted via email), I worry about being a nice person and often end up writing in a convoluted and garbled way.
I have a brother who is very outgoing, and one of the few people in my life I can honestly say I can talk authentically to (the others being my wife, and perhaps my parents (sometimes)). I once told him about this problem in passing and he laughed and thought I was joking. He dismissed the comment saying "that's awful! No one feels like they're worthless and have nothing to contribute to a conversation". He, of course, has had the luck not to have to deal with depression and social anxiety. It's overstated, but I haven't brought up the topic again since then.
When I think about how to get more confident socially I think of how to improve my smalltalk skills. This has brought me to read books such as How to win friends and influence people, and observe how others go about it.
Of all my efforts (which to be honest have been half-hearted at best) the main insight I've gained is that people just say whatever they want as long as it is slightly related to what the other person said (and often without even listening to what was said to begin with). Just speaking their minds, in a most literal sense.
That's weird to me. When I imagine a great conversator I think of someone who pays close attention to the other person, listens and responds with empathy, and provides insightful comments and promptings.
... Now that I say it out loud, it sounds like I'm describing a therapist ...
Maybe what I need to do here, as in most other areas of my life, is to stop worrying about it so much and instead be less cautious; just speak my mind with little care for those listening, vomit my thoughts out there without any regards for the effects they might have. Ahh, those truly sound like the traits of a great conversator.
Just kidding. I'm sure this can be done in a thoughtful manner while respecting my own integrity and other's attention. But I need some humor to get me through the coming bout of holiday smalltalk.
Anyway. Happy holidays! Wishing you luck in your own uncomfortable situations 🌱