On being frustrated with visiting family
I consider myself to be a pretty happy person, but some days, sometimes, I just want to paint everything black. I find myself to be so angry at the world, or sometimes it's worse and instead of anger there's just sadness.
I know there are certain situations that I can more or less confidently say are sort of triggers for these feelings. For example, I live with my in-laws and during the holidays all their offspring come over and stay multiple days with us. Now, I do love them and I have no real problem with them, but there are situations when there's just a lot of mess, loud noises, and general insanity (espacially since some of them have small kids). After the first few days I feel like a length of rope, wound tighter and tighter, beginning to fray, losing its shape.
I imagine that in this specific instance the problem is that I don't want to change my otherwise peaceful life. I think there's some sort of control obsession going on, where I want something to be some way and then to realize I'm powerless to change it because, even though I think of my in-laws' house also as my house, it is still theirs and I have no real say in anything, I'm just one more of the bunch.
Having these feelings makes me feel incorrect. They're my family after all. Shouldn't I, like, enjoy being with them ALL the time? Look forward to their incursions into my day to day existence?
No. It doesn't sound right to feel bad about having feelings, but I do think I should be more mindful and realize that sometimes there's nothing to control, and that resenting them for their desire to be happy is not fair.
Also, these frustration I have towards them usually makes me keep my distance, which in turn makes me feel more alienated from everyone, a stranger in my own home.
I don't want this for myself. Luckily there is a clear path ahead, I only hope I have the determination and discipline to follow it: give up control.